for your VINformation: an old man & the seas

Even though I’m “on vacation” I’m still “on call.”

Today and yesterday we had cast meetings, which really aren’t bad, we sit around a conference table to learn about the ship and ship rules and such… then, as I’m just about to leave – I wasn’t needed the rest of the day, it was a day off for me – they spring a surprise run of our Broadway Review on us.

We hadn’t had a brush-up in over a week and while I believed I had it all in my mind and body, I crashed and burned when I needed to soar. The run was for the AD who’d put together the show and knew all the choreography - as he was the person who came up with it after all, he’d know if we were messing up…

I dropped my hat -six times (!) – but kept going and kept smiling. But come on, I have six hat tricks and I dropped it each time! It made me feel like a rank amateur; it made me feel as if I should’ve been driven to the airport and handed a ticket out of town.

Now, I can throw out so many excuses; I wasn’t mentally prepared, I didn’t have my rehearsal hat, I’d had a drink with lunch, blah, blah, blah. But the fact of the matter is, I just wasn’t good enough.

I AM the weakest link.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I AM asked to leave.

I know I shouldn’t get down on myself, and yes I was hired for the skills I have and I know all the affirmations I need to repeat to myself, but what it comes down to is this: I need to work harder than everyone else if I want to be on equal footing and perhaps the simple fact of the matter is that I haven’t. I haven’t spent this week sweating, alone in the room going over dance steps or harmonies. I didn’t toss that hat in the air a thousand times until catching it was second nature.

If I’m not asked to leave, I’m going to do just that, toss that bitch until I can catch it with my eyes closed.

What I’m NOT going to do? Smoke the pack of Marlboro Mediums 100′s I bought because I felt the need to kick myself when I was down…

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The person putting up our shows had a family emergency and our cast was given the day off – we’re losing out on our Saturday day off, but hey, an emergency is an emergency and as we all know, schedules are subject to change.

We were scheduled for a late start today and everyone was sleeping-in when we got the call, well, only one person got the call and for a moment I thought it someone was funnin’ with us, but since none of us went in and all of us can’t get fired I figured, OK, take the day…

I’m currently sitting at Starbucks, living the cliche, blogging about my ever so exciting life. Isn’t it odd Jew and Gentile reader that when you get what you want, it’s no longer exciting to you? Is there a name for that? Ingratitude, perhaps?

I had a very hard time at yesterday’s run of our Broadway Review. I don’t know what happened, my head wasn’t in the game. Which is a very bad thing, because it read on my face. I was off. I haven’t relearned how to fake it yet. I’ve been so concerned with being perfect when perfection is an improbability that I’ve forgotten the audience doesn’t know the choreography and as long as I’m the correct foot and smiling they’ll never know if I’ve messed up.

It’s in no way my goal to fake it all the time, but I need to stop beating myself up inside when I’m wrong. It’s counter-productive and highly unprofessional.

I have to remind myself, “I’m getting paid to do what I love!” – now. I need to act as if I’m supposed to be there, they wouldn’t've hired me if I couldn’t do what was required of me.

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My goodness, I’ve forgotten how much a body can hurt when you dance.

I’m not talking going out dancing, I’m talking Broadway dancing. First of all, I’d forgotten I’d ever known how to do it to begin with, but know Jew and Gentile reader that I’ve had my ass kicked as it all came back to me.

I’ve gone into rehearsal with a brand new attitude, an attitude of, “I can do this. I’m good enough and I belong here.”

It felt good.

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After drilling & drilling & drilling (AND drilling) one of my tap combinations into my head for hours this morning before anyone else awoke, I took a break for a little Facebook-time. A message was waiting for me when I logged on; a perfectly timed missive of encouragement from an inspiring Broadway performer friend of mine with whom I did a reading a few years back.

In the message she shared a fact I never would’ve suspected, while in rehearsal for her Broadway debut she suffered from the same anxiety I’m currently feeling about my dancing abilities – but how? How could such a brilliantly accomplished comedic performer suffer from the same insecurities as I? How could someone, who in my opinion, personifies all that I’d like to be as a performer suffer at all?

It put things into perspective for me,  and made me think, mayhaps, if forced to improv with the guests and be funny on demand, my cast-mates might suffer the same as I.  We were hired for what we excel at; each bringing to the table something different, something unique, that when combined, create an awesome theatrical experience for those watching.

Knowing I’m not alone, knowing someone I respect so highly can have the same doubts as me makes me feel… less alone. I have a feeling, next week at rehearsals, I won’t be feeling as if I belong on the “short bus” anymore…

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Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, but I don’t like having two days off in a row, I feel as if I may forget everything I learned the past week. I’m in the middle of putting up my fourth show in three weeks. I don’t even remember what I’ve already done!

AND I’m doing things I haven’t done in years… my body’s not used using its muscle memory for this much movement – movement, I was told I wasn’t going to be doing because my track is just supposed to be funny…

Now I reiterate, I’m NOT complaining, I will do everything asked of me, and I will do it well, but it’s just going to take me a wee bit longer to do it.

I figure by May 16, 2011 I’ll have it all down.

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