Overheard @ the Desk – a collection
One of my readers asked me “What’s this ‘Desk’ you talk about so often?”
The desk is where I worked one of my survival jobs. I worked for a Broadway ticket broker selling Broadway and off-Broadway shows to tourists who wait until the last minute to purchase.
There is a mark up. Buyers are paying above ticket price, sometimes a lot above. If you don’t like it, remember – do your own leg-work you won’t pay a service charge…
Basically, they’re also paying for me, and by that I don’t mean my salary, they are paying for my expertise – I know from the best shows, I know from the best seats, I know from the best performers; I know from the BROADWAY!
Look at it this way:
You have six kids, it’s Sunday night and you’ve run out of milk and eggs and can’t send them off to school the next day on an empty stomach, what do you do? Do you throw an overcoat over you P.J.s and go to the convenience store around the corner knowing you’ll pay a premium or do you get everyone dressed, load everyone in the car and head to Shop Rite?
That’s me in a nutshell. I’m a service, a convenience to the guests of this mammoth Times Square hotel.
————————–
10:23 AM
Customer: “My friend just texted me, she got three $27.00 tickets for Wicked at ‘ticks’ for tonight. Can you get me the same deal?”
Agent: “Your friend is a liar.”
Customer: “I can show you the text.”
Agent: “Give me five minutes and I can show you a text saying I’m the new President of the Broadway - if your friend isn’t flat-out lying to you, she’s pulling your leg.”
Customer: “How can you be so sure?”
Agent: “Really? ‘Ticks’ aka TKTS, opens at 3:00 pm for evening shows and it’s currently 10:25 am. That alone is enough to call her on it, but if you want more, Wicked is the number one show on Broadway grossing more that 1 and a half million dollars last week and has never been up at TKTS. More proof, you want, the cheapest ticket for wicked is $70.00 so even if it were up, the cheapest ticket would be about $45.00 after fees and taxes.”
Customer: “Ok. you got me. I have no friend. I was trying to get a deal. You’re good., you really know your stuff.”
Agent: “I can see why you have no friends…”
——————————-
Customer: “Can I buy Tour tickets from you?”
Agent: “Next door.”
Customer: “Where?”
Agent: “Next door, where the giant sign says tours. Open your eyes Bella!.”
———————————
Customer: “Can I make it to the Statue of Liberty and back before the 2:00 PM show?”
Agent: “Sure, if you left at 7:00 AM. It’s an island… in the middle of the river…”
————————-
Customer: “How do I get out of the building?”
Agent: “The way you came in…”
Customer: “How was that?”
Agent: “Was I with you?”
—————————————
Customer: “What do I get for your ‘service charge’?”
Agent: “The pleasure of me talking to you.”
—————————————-
Customer: “I want something…”
Agent: “We all want something, as soon as we figure out what, life gets easier. Don’t cha think?”
—————————————
Customer: “I’d like tickets to For The Boys.”
Agent: “Oh, someone is doing a stage version of the hit 90’s Bette Midler vanity project? I didn’t know that.”
Customer: “Mmm yea, it’s the one starring Tom Cruise’s fake-wife…I’d think someone in your position should know that!”
Agent: “Of course, and you’d like, how many tickets to All My Sons.”
——————————————
Customer: “Do you have tickets for the New Jersey Boys?”
Agent: “The one about the formation of a Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons cover band? So good! I’m sure I can help you with that…”
—————————————–
Customer: “What time do matinees start?”
Agent: “Two o’clock. Wednesday and Saturday, three o’clock, Sunday.”
Customer: “That doesn’t work for me, anything closer to one o’clock on Monday or Tuesday?”
Agent: “… ”
———————————————
Customer: “Can I still get tickets to The Color Purple?”
Agent: “I’m sorry it closed…last year.”
Customer: “Does that mean you can’t get me tickets?”
Agent: “If you want tickets, I’ll sell ‘em to you, but you gotta give me a few days to round up the cast, a theatre, and Oprah, it’ll cost you about a hundred…thousand dollars.”
——————————————
Customer: “If I go online and buy tickets will they be cheaper.”
Agent: “I don’t know where you’re planning on getting them…so I can’t answer that question.”
Customer: “Why not?”
Agent: “…if I could predict things like that, I’d be working on Coney Island.”
—————————————–
Customer: “Can I get tickets to Legally Blonde?”
Agent: “I’m sorry, that show closed.”
Customer: “So, I should go directly to the theatre?”
Agent: “…”
———————————————
Customer: “Oh my god! I think it’s so funny that Harry Potter is acting naked in EEEqis.”
Agent: “Actually, Daniel Radcliff is naked in one scene, acting in Equus.”
Customer: “Why is he acting naked? Does he just stand up there and pose naked, that’s so funny? Does he use his wand?”
Agent: “He’s not acting naked, he happens to be naked while acting…it’s a play.”
Customer: “What’s he playing, a piano?”
Agent: “No, he’s playing a damaged boy in serious need of mental help. It’s quite a heady piece of theatre.”
Customer: “And you think I can’t do heady?”
Agent: “No, no I don’t…”
——————————————
Customer: “Can I get tickets to Spring Awakening?”
Agent: “I’m sorry, it’s closed.”
Customer: “Did it suck? I really want to see it.”
Agent: “I did win the Tony Award two years ago, so I would never say it ’sucked’ but the point is moot, the show is closed, I can’t get you tickets.”
Customer: “Now, when you say closed, does that mean closed forever…or will you be selling tickets again in a few weeks…”
Agent: “Well, it’s not Les Miz*…it may get revived in ten years or so, if the interest is there…”
Customer: “Can I get tickets now?”
Agent: “Sure, how many do you need?”
*this snippet is only funny if you know that Les Miz closed and then sent-out a tour that made a stop on Broadway a few months after, the customer, did NOT know that…
The blank look on her face was priceless.
———————————————–
On Thursday:
Customer: “I’d like tickets to today’s matinee of Wicked…”
Agent: “Matinees are Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sundays, are you available tonight?”
Customer: “If I could go tonight I would’ve asked for tonight! I want to go today at two o’clock.”
Agent: “Matinees are Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sundays…”
Customer: “If you don’t want to help me, I’ll go elsewhere.”
Agent: “It’s not that I don’t want to help you, there is no way I can help you. No shows have a matinee on Thursday.”
Customer: “You’re not very good at your job!”
———————————————-
13 Year Old Customer Wearing Recently Closed Thirteen Cast Jacket: “Where’s your Thirteen poster?”
Unimpressed Agent: “The show closed.”
13 Year Old Customer Wearing Recently Closed Thirteen Cast Jacket: “Did you have a Thirteen poster?”
Unimpressed Agent: “When the show was open…can I help you with tickets?”
13 Year Old Customer Wearing Recently Closed Thirteen Cast Jacket: “No. I’m good, unemployed, but good…”
———————————————-
Customer: “Can I get tickets to Les Miz?”
Agent: “It’s closed.”
Customer: “When’s it goin’ to reopen?”
Agent: “Ten, fifteen years maybe, I don’t know.”
Customer: “So, you don’t know?”
Agent: “No, I’m a ticket broker, not a fortune teller…”
———————————————–
Customer: “I’m a model, do you have a pretty person discount?”
Agent: “…”
———————————————–
Customer: “How much for Mamma Mia?”
Agent: “I can give you a great deal, at $109.00 each, that’s below top box office.”
Customer: “Let me think about it.”
Agent: “Sure.”
Agent goes to pee.
Customer: “I was just talking to the other guy about a deal on Mamma Mia tickets…”
Agent 2: “Do you remember how much he quoted you?”
Customer: “No.”
Agent 2: “OK, he must’ve told you $129.00…”
Customer: “No, it was $109.00…”
Agent 2: “Oh, so you do remember.”
———————————————
Customer: “Do you only handle tickets for the theatre?”
Agent: “No, we also handle concerts and sporting events as well. Basically anything you need a seat for.”
Customer: “Great. How much are tickets to Empire State Building?”
Agent: “…”
———————————————–
Customer: after a very slow morning. “Excuse me?”
Agent: Hopeful. “Yes. How can I help you?”
Customer: “Which way is the rest room?”
Agent: Dejected “On the other side of the gift shop…”
——————————————–
Customer: “I’m not going to buy anything from you, but I have a bunch of questions, it that ok?”
Agent: “…”
——————————————–
Customer: “Can I get tickets to Moving On?”
Agent: “Movin’ Out?”
Customer: “No. Moving On. The Billy Joel Musical!”
Agent: “Movin’ Out closed in 2005.”
Customer: “I think you’re wrong, I’m going to TKTS!”
———————————————
Customer: “Can I bring my dog into the dog show at Madison Square Garden?”
Agent: “Is your dog entered in the dog show?”
Customer: “No…but it’s a dog show.”
Agent: “Well, it’s more a dog show than a show for dogs. My guess would be no, but I’ll check for you…”
———————————————
Customer #1: “Four tickets to [title of show] please.”
Agent: “It’s closed, I’m sorry. Any other show interest you?”
Customer #1: “No.”
Agent: “Next.”
Customer #2: “Two tickets to Smokey Joe’s Cafe.”
Agent: “I’m sorry that show closed some time ago, anything else I can help you with?”
Customer #2: “No, I really wanted to see that show. Thank you.”
Agent: “Next.”
Customer #3: “Is Kathy-Lee Turner still doing The Graduate?”
Agent: “I’m sorry that show closed three years ago, is there anything else I can help you with?”
Customer #3: “Is Dolly Parton IN 9 to 5?”
Agent: “No, she wrote the music and lyrics. Would you like me to check availability?”
Customer #3: “Isn’t Jane Fonda in it?”
Agent: “No, she’s in the new Moses Kaufmann play, 33 Variations.”
Customer #3: “And she’s playing the same role she did in the movie 9 to 5?”
Agent: “No, she plays a musicologist with ALS, researching Beethoven.”
Customer #3: “Who the hell would want to see that?”
Agent: “Next.”
Customer #4: “Tommy.”
Agent: “Vinnie.”
Customer #4: “The Who’s Tommy. Six tickets please.”
Agent: “…”
———————————————
Customer: “Why is the Starbucks next to you closed?”
Agent: “I couldn’t tell you…”
Customer: “You know how much money they’ve lost?”
Agent: “Actually, no. I don’t work for Starbucks, I can’t tell you their hours policy or their gross losses for this particular location. Can I help you with theatre, concert or sporting event tickets?”
———————————————–
Customer: “I know how this is going to sound, but I’m going to say it anyway.”
Agent: “Go ahead, I’ve heard it all…”
Customer: “OK, I’m the mother of the book-writer of 9 to 5, and I just wanted to know, how it’s selling?”
Agent: “OK, that’s one I haven’t heard. Since I’m not the box office for 9 to 5, I don’t have exact figures, but, I can tell you it IS selling.”
Customer: “Good! That’s all I needed to hear! A mother’s curiosity…”
———————————————–
Customer, handing Agent pick-up slip: “I’m picking these up…”
Agent, showing tickets to customer: “Here you go, two tenth row, on the aisle for Mary Poppins, great seats. Enjoy the show!”
Customer: “Thank you.”
…
Same Customer, five minutes later, holding out the tickets: “I think you gave me the wrong tickets, these say Lion King…”
Agent, turning the tickets over, “That’s just an ad on the back of the ticket…”
———————————————
Customer: at 7:45PM: “I’m running late, would you call the St. James Theater and ask them to hold the show for us.”
Agent: “They don’t do that.”
Customer: “But there was a lot of traffic because of the Yankee Game, I’m sure other people are running late as well. We need to have dinner.”
Agent: “Um, they won’t hold the show for you no matter the reason, the St. James has over 1400 seats, they are not going to hold the show for two people, unless you were Obama and Michelle…”
Customer: “Well, then since you won’t help me, give me the phone number and I’ll call myself.”
Agent: “Ma’am, it’s not that I won’t help, it’s that can’t. Perhaps you could have dinner after the show?”
Customer: “That’s a good idea. Which way to the St. James?”
———————————————
Customer: “I need three tickets to The Little Mermaid, for the two o’clock show.”
Agent: “I’m sorry, all the premium seats are sold out.”
Customer: “No, I was just there, they have tickets.”
Agent: “And why didn’t you buy them?”
Customer: I thought it would be easier to get them here.”
Agent: “Let me get this straight; you were at the Lunt Fontaine Box Office, got to the front of the line, asked if they had tickets and then decided NOT to get them and come here and have me get them for you?”
———————————————
Customer: “I need three tickets to The Lion King.”
Agent: Looking at child in stroller: “Is he going with you?”
Customer: “Of course, he’s only three, we can’t leave him alone.”
Agent: “Well, then you’ll need four tickets…he’ll need a ticket as well…”
Customer: “Are you kidding me? He’ll sit on my lap!”
Agent: “Actually, if he ends up on your lap that’s fine, but every person entering the theater must have a ticket. If the theater has a capacity of 2,000 and 100 people bring babies in without tickets, then there are actually two-thousand-one-hundred people in the theater and the Fire Marshall can come in shut down the show and fine the theater and then everyone’s unhappy. Think of it this way, every butt must have a seat. What I can do for you is this, I’ll get you the cheapest seat in the house, he has a ticket and you keep him on your lap.”
——————————————-
Customer: ” I bought these tickets to Chicago over the internet, but I changed my mind, I want to see Mamma Mia instead, can I exchange them at the box office?”
Agent: “Well, no. Broadway isn’t like Macy’s, all sales are final.”
——————————————–
Customer: “If I want to pay about $20 to see a show, what could I see?
Agent: “I have a friend in an Equity showcase…it’s about incest, but it’s very funny…”
——————————————
Customer: “What time does Ticks open?”
Agent: “T…K…T…S… opens at 10 am for matinees and 3 pm for evening shows on average…”
Customer: “Will they have Billy Elliot?”
Agent: “No.”
Customer: “Will they have West Side Story?”
Agent: “No.”
Customer: “Will they have Wicked?”
Agent: “No.”
Customer: “Then what will they have?
Agent: “I don’t know, it’s a crap shoot…no one knows…”
Customer: “But you know what they won’t have?”
Agent: “Everyone knows that…”
——————————————
Customer: “Would it be cheaper if I got a discount coupon and went directly to the box office myself?”
Agent: “Really, you need an answer to that question?”
———————————————
Customer: (on Monday) “I’d like four tickets to The Lion King, tonight.”
Agent: “The Lion King doesn’t have a show on Mondays.”
Customer: “So you’re really saying is that you can’t get me four tickets to tonight’s Lion King.”
Agent: “No, I’m telling you The Lion King doesn’t have a show on Monday nights…”
Customer: “I told my kids they were seeing Lion King tonight. What can you do for me? Who can get me tickets for The Lion King?”
Agent: “No one will sell you tickets to The Lion King – there are no tickets to sell. The Lion King does not have a show tonight.”
Customer: “Can you rent me the movie?”
———————————————
Customer: “Can you get me tickets to Tony Awards?”
Agent: “Of course. Do you have a tux with you?”
Customer: “Why do I need a tux?”
Agent: “It’s the Tony Awards…”
—————————————————
Customer w/Teenage Son: “Is it true their turning Spider-man into a Broadway Musical?”
Agent: “Yep, that’s the plan.”
Customer w/Teenage Son: “Don’t you think my son would be perfect for that role?” To son: “Sing something!”
Agent: “Ma’am, I’m a ticket broker not a casting director. I can get you into the show, not get you in the show…”
——————————————
Customer: “I need tickets to West Side Story.”
Agent: “For which performance?”
Customer: “Tomorrow night.”
Agent: “For how many?”
Customer: “I don’t know, I need the price first.”
Agent: “Approximately…?
Customer: “Twenty.”
Agent: “Twenty?”
Customer: “I was told I could get a discount if I waited until the last minute.”
Agent: “You were told the wrong information. While certainly that’s the case for some Broadway shows, West Side Story is not one of them. Now, I can do twenty for you, they won’t be together and they’ll cost you about $250.00 per ticket.”
Customer: “I’ll go out to Times Square and wait in line, that’s too expensive.”
Agent: “You won’t find West Side at TKTS, I’m afraid.”
Customer: “Yes I will. The concierge said I would.”
Agent: “Then by all means. After you’ve wasted your time waiting in line for nothing, feel free to come back and I’ll see what I can do for you, though by then, I’m sure what’s out there will be gone.”
Customer: “Would you hold them for me?”
FIVE HOURS LATER
Customer: “Do you still have the West Side Story tickets.”
Agent: “I can get you a pair…that seems to be all that’s left…”
Customer: “But you told me you could get me twenty.”
Agent: “Five hours ago, I could. This in New York City, you gotta move fast!”
———————————————-
Customer: “I have these row “C” tickets to see Impressionism, do you have anything better?”
Agent: “Really? What would you consider better than third row?”
Customer: “Fifth row.”
———————————————-
Customer w/Small Child: “I’d like three tickets to Phantom of the Opera please.”
Agent: “No problem. May I ask how old your child is?”
Customer w/Small Child: “A very advanced four.”
Agent: “I’m sorry, Phantom doesn’t allow anyone under six.”
Customer w/Small Child: “Then he’s six.”
Agent: “Are you sure you wouldn’t be happier with one of the Disney shows? The Lion King or Mary Poppins?”
Customer w/Small Child: “Which part of ‘advanced’ didn’t you understand?”
Agent: “Three tickets to Phantom it is. I hope the little one doesn’t lose interest and fall asleep on you, it’ll be a shame to spend this much money on nap-time…”
———————————————
Setting:
The Marriott Marquis Ticket Desk
Cast:
Agent – Handsome, man in his mid-thirties – what? who do you think is writing this?
Customer 1 – Male 70’s
Customer 2 – Female 20’s
Scene 1 -
Agent: “Good Morning!”
Customer 2: “I’d like to see Phantom of the Opera tonight, please.”
Agent: “Not a problem, how many tickets?”
Customer 2: “Two.”
Agent: “Not a problem, I’ve got two great seats, dead center, orchestra and I can give you a great deal.”
Customer 2: “Ok, can you hold those for me for a few minutes? The boss is checking in right now and I need to run it all by him. I’ll be right back.”
Scene 2 – fifteen minutes later…
Customer 1: “My girl here wants to see Phantom, but I’d rather see something else, anything else, really. I saw Phantom in London.”
Customer 2: “You saw Phantom in London with your wife, I want you to see Phantom on Broadway with me. ”
Customer 1: “Two tickets to Phantom.”
Agent: “I’ve got two tickets, dead center orchestra. They’re yours if you want them.”
Customer 1: “Are they good?”
Agent: “Dead center.”
Customer 1: “Because I only want the best…”
Agent: ” Sir, in my opinion, there is nothing better than dead center.”
Customer 1: “Ok, if you say so…”
Scene 3 – The Next Day
Customer 2: “I just wanted to stop buy and thank you. The seats, as promised were wonderful. We had a magical evening.”
Agent: “New memories of Phantom?”
Customer 2: “You bet.”
————————————————-
Time 1:54 PM
Customer: “I’d like three tickets to today’s matinee.”
Agent: “For…”
Customer: “Anything.”
Agent: “Well, sir, it’s 1:55, I’ll do my best…”
Customer: “Hurry it up. You’re wasting time!”
Agent: “I’m sorry. I just checked the MASTER BROADWAY TICKET BOARD*, the only thing available is South Pacific, it’ll take about fifteen, twenty minutes to get to the theatre, by taxi, should I go ahead and book them for you? You’ll only miss the first half hour…”
*There is no such thing as the “MASTER BROADWAY TICKET BOARD!” – Jerk!
——————————————
Addressing each other:
Customer 1: “Do you remember Christina Ricci? She used to be obese and now she’s super skinny?”
Customer 2: To Customer 1: “Dude, she was never obese.”
Customer 1: “She was big as a house!”
Customer 2: To Agent: “Can we get tickets to Next To Normal from you?”
Customer 1: To Anyone Who’ll listen: “A house!”
Agent: “Yes.”
Customer 1: “How can you say she was never obese?”
Customer 2: “Dude. Let it go.”
————————————————
Customer: “Recommend me something, please.”
Agent: “What have you seen?”
Customer: “Nothing. Is first Broadway show.”
Agent: “Phantom of the Opera. It’s big, it’s sweeping, and it’s magical. A perfect first Broadway experience.”
Customer: “No. Recommend me something else, please.”
Agent: “Shrek, The Musical…”
————————————————-
Customer: “How is Jude Law in Hamlet?”
Agent: “I haven’t seen it, but the reviews from England were good. It hasn’t opened yet so the reviews aren’t in.”
Customer: “So I can’t see it?”
Agent: “You can see it, it’s in previews.”
Customer: “But you said it hadn’t opened yet.”
Agent: “Yes, I did and it hasn’t opened, it’s in previews which, simply put, means it can’t be reviewed.”
Customer: “So it’s open?”
Agent: “… Yes.”
Customer: “How much?”
Agent: “With our service charge, handling fee and all taxes, $159.00 per ticket. You’re playing for Jude Law…”
Customer: “Who knew he was so expensive?”
From Theatre Development Fund Website: (Emphasis – Vinnie)
What are previews?
Sometimes you will hear that the show you are seeing is “in previews.” What does that mean, can you go–and would you want to go?
Previews are the customary performance period at the very start of a show’s run, before the critics have been invited to see it. The preview period can amount to a couple of performances or several weeks’ worth of shows, depending on the complexity of the production. (Broadway shows preview for longer periods than Off-Broadway.) Ticket prices are rarely reduced for previews; it’s safe to say that while refinements are certainly made to shows in previews, what you see on the stage during that period will not be markedly different from what the critics see.
——————————————-
Customer: “What are the cheapest tickets you have?”
Agent: “I can get you into Phantom of the Opera, tomorrow night, for $109.00 per ticket, which is below top ticket price…”
Customer: “No.”
Agent: “OK, how about Mamma Mia, tonight, center orchestra, $119.00 per ticket.”
Customer: “No.”
Agent: “Avenue Q, $99.00…”
Customer: “No.”
Agent: “What do you want to see?”
Customer: “The Lion King.”
Agent: “I’m sorry, I should’ve known… I can do The Lion King, center orchestra, on the aisle, tomorrow night, for $239.00 per ticket.”
Customer: “I’ll take them!”
———————————————
Location: A Times Square Hotel lobby full of fall hustle and bustle
Customer: “Where’s the restroom?”
Agent: “Next to the gift shop…”
Pause
Customer 2: “Where’s the toilet?”
Agent: “Next to the gift shop…”
Pause
Customer 3: “Where’s the lav.?”
Agent: “Next to the gift shop…”
Pause
Pause
Pause
Customer 4: “Banos?”
Agent: “Junto a la tienda…”
Pause
Customer 5: “Where’s the bathroom? The sign is pointing that way, but all that’s over there are vending machines…”
Agent: “Next to the gift shop.”
Customer 5: “They should really change that sign.”
Agent: “Yes, yes they really should!”
————————————————
I’ve decided to start lying to tourists.
Not big giant lies that’ll send them off to places they’d be likely to get mugged, raped or killed, just little lies; the lies they want to hear anyway…
“Yes, you’ll get Lion King, Wicked, Jersey Boys, Billy Elliot, A Steady Rain or God of Carnage at TKTS. They have everything!”
“A Cab to Billy Elliot? Of course you should take a cab to the Imperial Theatre, next door…”
“Starbucks, is closed because they found a human spleen in the coffee grounds!”
“Oh yes, I highly recommend Burn The Floor. You’ll love it!”
“You’ve never seen a Broadway show and you want Rock of Ages to be your first? Great choice.”
“Flip-flops to the theatre? Sure, why not? The actors won’t see your feet…”
———————————————–
Customer: “Can I sue Ticketmaster for not letting me know Guys and Dolls closed?”
Agent: “I really don’t think so…”
Customer: “But we planned this trip around that show. Can I sue Broadway.com?”
Agent: “Again…”
Customer: “I know, I know, I’m just really pissed off! Can you get me tickets to something tonight?”
Agent: “I sure can, what would you like to see?”
Customer: “Guys and Dolls.”
—————————————————-
Agent: “Good morning!”
Customer: “You’re way too energetic for eight in the morning, I’ll come back after you’ve been beat down for a few hours…”
Agent: “Have a great day!”
———————————————-
Customer: “If I bought tickets and they’re at will-call, I can pick them up here, right?
Agent: “No…you must go to the box office.”
Customer: “Which box office?”
Agent: “The box office of the theatre at which the show you bought tickets for will be performed.”
Customer: “Where is that?”
Agent: “Which show are you seeing?”
Customer: “9 to 5.”
Customer: “You’re lucky, that box office is right downstairs on the first floor of this building.”
Afterthought:
Should I have told him the show closed last week?
———————————————
Customer: “Is it too early to get tickets for the Radio City Christmas Show?”
Agent: “Sir, its September twelfth. It may be too late!”
———————————————-
Customer: “I’d like to see a show today.”
Agent: “Which show? What time? How many tickets?”
Customer: “Uhh, Lion King, noon, 2 tickets.”
Agent: ” All show-times are 2 o’clock or 8 o’clock…”
Customer: “Which plays show at noon?”
Agent: “…”
————————————————
Customer: “How much are tickets?”
Agent: “It depends on what you want to see, they range from $109.00 to upwards of $500.00.”
Customer: “I was thinking more like $15.00…”
Agent: “…there’s a movie theatre down the block.”
——————————————–
Customer: “What is the creepiest, spookiest, scariest show you’ve got to help us celebrate Halloween?”
Agent: “Mary Poppins…scary!”
————————————————
Customer: “Do you sell stamps?”
Agent: :”No, try the front desk.”
————————————————-
Customer: “Double decaf mocha latte – wait, you’re not Starbucks…”
Agent: “No, no I’m not.”
————————————————
Customer: “Can you get me comedy club tickets?”
Agent: “Most comedy clubs offer free admission, they make their money on the two drink minimum – the concierge should have passes for you.”
Customer: “Where…”
Agent: “Other side of the escalator.”
————————————————–
Time: 8:02 AM
Agent: “Happy Holidays, how can I help you?”
Customer: “You can tone down the good cheer, I haven’t had my coffee yet!”
Agent: “Bah Humbug!”
————————————————
Customer: “If I wanted to buy someone a show for Christmas, could I?”
Agent: “Of course, I think that’s a wonderful gift.”
Customer: “Would I be able to return them if they can’t go?”
Agent: “No, all sales are final. I would recommend getting a sold date before purchasing.”
Customer: “That doesn’t leave much of a surprise…”
Agent: “Well, you could fib and tell them you need a date they’re available to say, go to a fancy dinner or tell the truth and just not tell them what show they’re going to see or you can simply get a gift certificate and let them pick their own show…there are really so many options…”
Customer: “You’re just full of Christmas spirit, aren’t you?”
Agent: “well, I’m certainly full of something…”
————————————————–
Customer: “Have you seen Wicked?”
Agent: “Six times.”
Customer: “You liked it?”
Agent: “…it was ok…”
———————————————–
Agent: “Happy Holidays! How can I help you?”
Customer With Foreign Accent: “I’d like two tickets to Wicked, please.”
Agent: “Sure, I can help you with that, for when?”
Customer With Foreign Accent: “Saturday night.”
Agent: “Sure I can do that for you, two tickets for Wicked, Saturday night at eight PM… tenth row center…$259.00 per ticket.”
Customer With Foreign Accent: “Why so expensive?”
Agent: “Well, it is a holiday weekend, the city is overflowing with tourists…”
Customer With Foreign Accent: “What holiday?”
Agent: “Thanksgiving.”
Customer With Foreign Accent: “That’s a made up holiday! We don’t have Thanksgiving in England.”
Agent: “No, I assume y’all wouldn’t…”
————————————————
Customer: “Where’s the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts?”
Agent: “I’m not sure, you should ask the concierge.”
Customer: “You got something against Dunkin Donuts?”
Agent: “No…I just don’t know where one is around here…”
———————————————-
Customer: “Can you get me tickets to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?”
Agent: “Grandstand seats?”
Customer: “I’d like to get seats somewhere around 42nd Street…”
Agent: “Really? Am I being punked? Is Ashton Kucher here? Where are the cameras? It’s a parade, you stand where ever you want…”
———————————————
Customer: “I don’t want to buy anything from you; I just want your opinion on the shows I’m going to see.”
Agent: “That’ll be $199.00…My opinions are strong and my time ain’t cheap…”
———————————————
Customer: “Can I get tickets to that Hugh Jackman play?”
Agent: “A Steady Rain was a limited run, it closed in December.”
Customer: “I’m a little behind aren’t I?”
Agent: “Nothing wrong with that, better a little behind than big ass.”
————————————————–
Customer: “I need to know if there are tickets available to Avenue Q?”
Agent: (After Checking) “There are. With the service, handling charges and taxes they’re $109.00 per ticket.”
Customer: (To other customer) “$109′s not bad but I’d rather pay less.” (To Agent) “Do they do rush tickets?”
Agent: “Each theatre handles rush differently. You’d have to go to the box office to find out.”
Customer: “Can I call and ask?”
Agent: “Box offices have unlisted numbers.”
Customer: “Surely you can contact them.”
Agent: “Yes, yes I can.”
Customer: “Can’t you call them for me?”
Agent: “Purchasing tickets here, you’re paying a service charge because we do all the leg-work for you. If you’re looking to get a cheaper ticket by not using my services and therefore not paying a service charge, you’ve got to do the leg-work yourself.”
Customer: “Well, that’s certainly simply put and fair… we’ll take two tickets to Avenue Q.”
—————————————–
Customer: “Look, I don’t want to wait outside in that line, I want a single ticket for the Wicked. What do I do?”
Agent: “I can get you a single, no problem – it’ll be $159.00 – the $159.00 is inclusive of the box-office price, service and handling fees and all taxes, both city and state as we are a ticket reseller and besides, after six years as the highest grossing Broadway show, without the benefit of a Best Musical Tony, yet, I doubt today’ll be the day Wicked goes up at TKTS. TKTS has only a select group of shows on any given day and Wicked being the top grossing show on Broadway, it really doesn’t need to sell it’s tickets at half-price.”
Customer: ” Oh, a friend, who lives here, told me that everything is at TKTS and I shouldn’t get my ticket in advance because I could get it cheaper the on day of.”
Agent: “When you see to your friend, tell ‘em, ‘thanks for nothing!’”
————————————————
The following took place on a Sunday afternoon…
Customer: “Which shows play on Sunday night?”
Agent: “Chicago, Mamma Mia, Rock of Ages, In the Heights, Next To Normal at 7:00 pm and Lion King and Mary Poppins at 6:30 and I can also do Avenue Q, off Broadway, at 7:30.”
Customer: “What’s Next To Normal?
Agent: “In one line, it’s about a woman suffering from bi-polar disorder brought on by the death of her infant child. It’s difficult subject matter but brilliant theatre. You’ll leave exhausted but exhilarated.”
Customer: “No. In The Heights?”
Agent: “It’s about Latino life in Washington Heights, NYC. A great, high energy show, but if you’re looking for a “classic Broadway experience” you may not appreciate it.”
Customer: “Rock of Ages?”
Agent: “It’s about a young guy trying to be a rock star in LA, using all the great rock songs from the ’80′s, Journey, Rush, Styx…”
Customer: “I’m bringing a 78 year old nun…”
Agent: “Oh then your only choice is, Mary Poppins.”
Customer: “Not Mamma Mia?”
Agent: “Are we talking a seventy-eight year old Catholic nun?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Agent: “Mamma Mia is about a girl about to get married searching for her birth father between the three men her mother slept with all around the same time. Children out of wedlock, loose women with loose morals… is she a hippie nun with an open mind? I don’t want her to put you on the fast-track to hell.”
Customer: “Mary Poppins it is!”
———————————————
Customer: “What is RACE about?”
Agent: “Race.”
Customer: “Yes, RACE.”
Agent: “It’s about race.”
Customer: “Yes, I’m asking about RACE.”
Agent: “…..”
———————————————
January 6th, 2010 -
Customer: “May I get two tickets to the Nutcracker?”
Agent: “It’s ended it’s run.”
Customer: “How about the Radio City Christmas Spectacular?”
Agent: “It closed on the third.”
Customer: “White Christmas?”
Agent: “It also closed on the third.”
Customer: “Why?”
Agent: “They were limited-run holiday shows and the holidays are over.”
Customer: “There should be a Christmas show running all year long, don’t you think?”
Agent: “Absolutely! I’ll make a phone call and make that happen…”
Customer: “As if it were that easy…”
