Even though I’m “on vacation” I’m still “on call.”
Today and yesterday we had cast meetings, which really aren’t bad, we sit around a conference table to learn about the ship and ship rules and such… then, as I’m just about to leave – I wasn’t needed the rest of the day, it was a day off for me – they spring a surprise run of our Broadway Review on us.
We hadn’t had a brush-up in over a week and while I believed I had it all in my mind and body, I crashed and burned when I needed to soar. The run was for the AD who’d put together the show and knew all the choreography - as he was the person who came up with it after all, he’d know if we were messing up…
I dropped my hat -six times (!) – but kept going and kept smiling. But come on, I have six hat tricks and I dropped it each time! It made me feel like a rank amateur; it made me feel as if I should’ve been driven to the airport and handed a ticket out of town.
Now, I can throw out so many excuses; I wasn’t mentally prepared, I didn’t have my rehearsal hat, I’d had a drink with lunch, blah, blah, blah. But the fact of the matter is, I just wasn’t good enough.
I AM the weakest link.
I wouldn’t be surprised if I AM asked to leave.
I know I shouldn’t get down on myself, and yes I was hired for the skills I have and I know all the affirmations I need to repeat to myself, but what it comes down to is this: I need to work harder than everyone else if I want to be on equal footing and perhaps the simple fact of the matter is that I haven’t. I haven’t spent this week sweating, alone in the room going over dance steps or harmonies. I didn’t toss that hat in the air a thousand times until catching it was second nature.
If I’m not asked to leave, I’m going to do just that, toss that bitch until I can catch it with my eyes closed.
What I’m NOT going to do? Smoke the pack of Marlboro Mediums 100′s I bought because I felt the need to kick myself when I was down…
